Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt:Just the topic makes my head nod in agreement and make me go in a pensive mode।And I could place a bet that almost all the mommy's in the world would do the same for it!!

Last Monday I had a dream

"My son Akshaj was there and my in-laws (who stay with us to take care of him) and maybe maybe not my husband was also in it..I am not sure where was I but there ,somewhere lurking in the background..And I heard my mom-in-law say to somebody ...that his(Akshaj's) mom is no longer there with us ... and there was I even in my dream listening to this ..it was not that anybody was crying or unhappy ..just it was a matter of fact "

I can say I have never felt such a profound mommy guilt or rather any kind of guilt ever close to this .. why you may ask so ??

Well it so happened a day before I had left home for some work leaving a uncontrollably crying son behind

I have had fair share of guilty trips in my 2 years of mommyhood ..but none that I could not overcome or accept

Like when Akshaj was born prematurely in 35th week and kept in incubator ,when I had to start giving him formula in 4th month and even now when I hear from his doc that his eyesight is weak because of born premature :I can reason myself to believe that I did everything I could to take proper care of myself and did as my doc told

when he fell from bed first time or when he fell sick the first time :At first I foolishly thought I
would never let him fall again।But quickly I realized it happens and its OK.And I have come to accept my minor heart attack like moments I go through when Akshaj shoes how many different kind of stunts he can pull of with 2 year old brain of his .and numerous others like that


But this mommy guilt....seeing him cry every morning when I leave for office ..when everyday I have to break free of his hug and explain to him mummy has to go to office ..is really taking a toll on me .. what' funny is this is quite a recent change in him...earlier he never used to cry so much seeing me leaving ..
One of the main reason why I am not able to get away with this mommy guilt is that earlier whatever problem came I am sure I did what was best I could do ..but this time I am not so sure ..

I love working and can't imagine being limited to house ..this is not because I am a very career
oriented women...but just that I love my space..and love the money (howsoever less)I am getting..I have always seen my mom working ..I never had problem with that ever

But now I have started thinking am I doing the right thing by working ॥ and there are 2 reasons(although related) of why I am thinking this..which is ..

1) everybody says that first 3 years of baby's life are very important and they have a bearing on rest of their lives." Not sure if it is true but heard enough to think about it

2)I cannot read Akshaj's mind or heart for that matter to know for sure how much he is affected by it....sometimes I feel he is just OK but sometimes I or rather we all feel somewhere in his mind he is now scared of me leaving him and keeps clinging to me when I am there


So how can I judge what is right for him...still thinking. Don't know if I will be successful in overcoming this mommy's guilt which has become a part of so many working women's life !!
Have my finger's crossed and hope for the best !!


Mommy Guilt--This is my entry to "Mommy Guilt" Contest started by "womensweb"

Childhood Rhymes(Hindi/Kumaouni)

After reading so many childhood poems across various blogs, I couldn't resist writing the poems we use for sing when we were small..

For our native language rhymes(which is kumaouni) I bugged my mother to provide with translations ..

but even she does not know the meaning well..but we used to love them when we were small

and Akshaj also laughs like crazy when we sing them to him...

So these are my list I could come up with for entry in Tulika's blogathon.

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लाठी लेके हाथी आया ,छन छन छन

ढोल बजता भालू आया , धम धम धम

मैढ़क ने ली मीठी तान

ओंर ग़धे में गाया गान

Meaning:
Elephant came with a stick (followed by its voice)
Bear came with a drum
Frog made a melodious sound
and donkey sang a song

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अक्कड़ बक्कड़ बम्बे बो

अस्सी नब्हे पूरे सों
सों मैं लगा तागा
च्रौर निकल ने भागा

Meaning:
Don't think it actually means anything much .
We used to play this when we were kid.
We have to one of our palm down(on table) with fingers apart from each other
Then run finger of another hand one by one over fingers of first hand.
and sing the song and finger where the song stops you have to fold that in.


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पीपी पीपी टररढम नन्हे मुन्ने बच्चे हम

Meaning:
First line doesn't mean anything
we are small small kids
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veer balak hai hum satya pe chalenge hum
apne desh ki aan par ,sar ko na jhukayehge

we are brave kids,we we always speak truth
for our country's pride,we will not put our head down

(Actually we used to sing it while climbing walls by replacing 'satya' with 'chaat')

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POEMS IN KUMAOUNI:

बाड़ा मैं कौंआ छा ,उक्कहल मैं पिनु छा
डाला मैं बहुआ छा,काबिड़ी काबिड़ी काबिड़ी

Meaning :

In between boundary there is a crow,in 'ookhali' there ??
in basket there is baby,followed by kabidi kabdi where we bring one hand(like how we do to show twinkling

star) from top to tickle the baby


*okkhali is a hole in ground which was used to grind masalas in earlier days।
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We normally do this while lying on our back with knees bend(like when we do crunches)
And keeping the baby on below knee position.

चूँ मूसी चूँ ,द्वि माना ग्यूं
घट पिसी ल्यूं,के मैं खूं,के मैं द्व्यूं

Meaning:
first line most probably addressing rat(not very sure about exact meaning)
two mann* wheat
have got them grounded from 'chakki'
what will I eat,and how much can I give.

*mann was used as a measurement standard in earlier days like now we use kgs
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घू घूती बासूती ,आमा काँ छा
मालकोते, के ल्याली,दूदू भाती
को खा लो ,----खा लो ---खा लो (fill dash with baby's name)

Meaning:

Again first line not sure
where is grandma
in हेर मतेर्नल अंकल's place,what will she bring,milk with rice
who will eat,_____will eat,____will eat (for us we say akku will eat,or u can say baby will eat)
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उद्दकुच्ची मुड्कूची ,ल्या लेएची
पीतल कैची,हथी कुट्टी
तौड ताढ़ बैल लाया


Meaning:
No idea just use to sing for the sound of it ..
ending ..came back with broken hand and feet

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Vadnnna................vadnnnna..............

that's how my boy shouts for me these days if he is in another room..
and 'mamma' has changed to 'mamba' somehow ..

before we can pat ourselves that he has learnt something he quickly unlearns it as well..

like 'goodi' has become 'dogi' these days....

these are quite funny excited days ...we never know what Akku will come up with next..

when Akku goes diaper free and runs out of the house like that we tell him that he should not run 'nangu'(naked) like that ..and that word has become quite a favorite with him..

Other day some Bipasha basu song was coming and Akku starts off ..'Naangu Naangu'and then it did follow up with other songs as well..
I tell u TV watching has become even more restricted now as we never know when 'Naangu' calling will start again..

And since water is the most favorite thing for him ...he can recogonise it everywhere ..In books,CD's poster,songs ..whereever he sees water he starts saying 'mum mum' or even 'water' at times.And moment he sees somebody jumping in pool(like our society pool) he goes 'nai nai'(bathing)

Other times he takes water from him bottle ..puts it in his clothes and says 'geela geela'(wet)..

One thing which I found amazing he has learnt to say is 'Hawa'(air)...If we fan him with paper or if breeze is blowing he says 'hawa' which I think is the most coolest and one of the difficult thing he has learnt to reconize so far ..

He has beginning to join some two words together and use verbs/abstract nouns as well .

whenever he wants something he just follows us everywhere which his one hand outstreched over the other and he keeps on saying 'de do ,de do'(give it) or 'le lo,le lo'(take it), till we actually give that thing to him...yest we went to temple and before we could take prasadam from purohit ..there he was his tiny tiny hands outstretched to get the prasad.


We have started his potty training ...so far nothing much is happening apart from his truely original way of doing 'shu-shu'

He refuses to sit on his potty seat ..so we actually take him in our hands and in sink he does it ...
And this is the complete procedure he follows..

1.We hold him and bring him to position before the sink.

2.he starts 'eiight eiight' (light light)..so we switch on the sink lights.

3. Then comes 'water water ' (We dutifully turn on the water)

4.'Pav tho' ..pav dho'(clean the feet) we wash one feet ..and he goes off 'dusaa' 'dusaa'(second one )

5.and followed by recently added 'haatdo' 'haatdo' ..and we clean the hands ..

6.Thankfully the times arrives for the real deal and 2/10 it results in success rest of the times it goes back again to lots of step 5/step 6 only to realize we are being duped.

babu..chai shai ..gaye

That's what Akku says almost daily ..

His grandpa-grandmother have gone back to their hometown for a month.And he keeps remembering his grandpa a lot.He is more of a friend to him than his 'dadu' or 'ba' as he calls him.Offcourse anybody who jumps from bed for you,sits on kitchen slabs,touches ceiling fans,hides in cupboards ,takes you out to play/outing in his godi for almost an hour,teaches new tricks to be naughty can only be ur friend

Off lately Akku has been showing lots of 'attitude' to him,seeing him but still ignoring him,not going so much to him..but its been almost 2 weeks he has been gone but still he keeps asking for him...and its not just randomly he says 'babu' ..its remembering the things he used to do for him or seeing his photo.

* if we sing a song or rhyme which his 'babu' used to sing, he starts saying 'babu chai shai gaye'..

*After bath his babu used wrap him in towel and keep him in his hands and jump saying 'tick tica tick tick" .So now sometimes we wrap him towel he keeps saying 'babu'.

*For my parents we put Akku's first birthday CD .In it, his grandpa was playing and dancing with him.Akku didn't recognize himself and got really irritated seeing his 'babu' playing with some other kid.And he kept on saying 'babu babu' in angry way.

*Yesterday Akshaj was going through newspaper and suddenly he started saying 'babu babu'.We were quite puzzled and when we saw the paper all those photos were actually of Yeddyurappa, CM of Karnataka (he has gray rather white hair and mustaches as his grandpa wears)

Are u wondering what is this 'chai shai' ??

Akku has a karadi rhyme CD in which a rhyme starts from 'chai chai ..train at the station ready to go' and it has train in it..with chai wala and all...and since Akku also came to see off his grandparents at station ..he got it figured out by himself that his dadu has left on a 'chai shai'...

He slept off when we came from station and when we reached home ..he woke and started searching for him everywhere and finally said 'gaye' and when we asked him 'kaun gaye' he replied 'babu ..chai shaye.. gaye'





P.S: Something about Akku's grandfather :

Before he was a granddad,whenever he used to see other granddad's going crazy over thier 'nati-potas' he used to make fun of them and would say(his very infamous quote now): "Apne baccho se to sabhi pyaar karte hain par apne baccho ke baccho se kya pyaar karna.Main to nahi karunga".(Everybody loves thier own childern but I cannot understand why they love their grandchildren so much.I will not be like them" Now he just happily eats his words and is super crazy about Akku.